What happens in a first mediation session, start to finish
Most people picture a courtroom with the furniture moved. It's closer to a long, structured conversation, and here is how the first one goes.
A first session is not for settling. It is for finding out whether settling is possible, and what each of you needs for that to happen.
Before anyone sits down
I talk with each of you alone for about twenty minutes. I ask what you hope to get from the sessions, whether you feel safe and free to say no, and what you'd like me to know that you wouldn't say with the other person listening.
The opening
I start by saying who I am and who I'm not: a neutral person, not a lawyer for either of you, not a judge. I explain what's confidential and what isn't, and I ask each of you to agree to a few ground rules, like not interrupting.
Each of you speaks
You each get time to say what happened and what you need, without being answered. I listen, write down the main points, and say them back. It is very common for the other person to learn something new from that.
The list
- The decisions on the table
- What each of you would like to see happen
- What each of you needs to know before deciding
- What could be decided this week
What you leave with
I send a short written summary the next day: what we covered, what's agreed so far, and what each of you will bring next time. If you reach an agreement later, I write it up as a memorandum, and each of you can have your own lawyer read it before you sign.
The best first session ends with each person feeling heard, and with a short list of things that can actually be decided.
If you're wondering about fees: sessions are billed by the hour, split evenly unless you agree on something else. Bring questions about that too.